But what unfortunate events should befall such a daring and adventurous…venture! ??
How about fifty cents in…nothing out.
That’s right, no delicious, diet murdering beverage to ease my elongated thirst or my fears of living too long (aka: cokes kill you).
But hey that’s ok, the coke machine, which I have named Greg, and I have spent the last three years together at the Wesley and thus formed a firm relationship based on mutual understanding and relative patience (mostly from my part). So, I forgave and forgot. Cast the east from the west, worst from the best; the offense was as far apart as Slam is from real poetry. I put another two quarters in the slot, pressed the Sprite button a little harder (hey don’t judge, if im going to pour toxins down my throat they might as well be caffeine free), waited through the faint groan emitting from within the giant metal antique and prayed (Jesus cares about my consumption of overpriced, corporation benefitting liquids that take 9 units of water to make 1…right?).
SUCCESS! An ACTUAL can, sitting before me in blue/green glory as if to say, “Come and get me, Kurtis! It’s been too long.” Content with spending a dollar for 12 ounces of lemon/lime electricity, I grab my aluminum friend (no name for him yet) and turn back to my desk.
But then, something startles my senses. This cylindrical object now resting in my right hand seems rather light. It reminds me of the part in the movie Taken where he pistol whips his former friend after lecturing him that if a gun feels different than it usually does, it is quite possible that there are no bullets in it.
NO BULLETS??!!! But that would mean there are no bullets (in this case sprite) in my can! No sprite in a Sprite can??? Can I sue for false advertising? Quick! Grab Ted Liggett, find the McDonald’s Coffee guy, call Oprah (cause she gets away with absurd stuff all the time), and let’s “get” whoever is responsible for this tragedy!
Side note: ever wondered why you can put “there’s” for “there is” but cant write “there’re” for “there are”?? I guess you can, according to my automatic Word Spell Check because I see no red squigglies. Or perhaps it to is lost in trying to understand the purpose behind this absurd account of buying a coke I am attempting to recall.
Back to the story. Yes, a Sprite can, new and unopened yet conceals nothing of the liquid form. So, without too much consideration, following a comical displaying of the empty can by throwing it at the interns, I employed the popular “Monkey see, Monkey do” woo-shoo zen master technique…and dropped in a third fifty cents.
Button pressed…low, quiet grumble initiated…clanking of aluminum…visual established! More emerald and azure promising thirst-quenching relief! This time…the can is square. Somehow simultaneously crushed on all four sides apparently with similar pressure, creating 4 nearly perfect 90 degree angles. And again, the can is lighter than normal, though it obviously had SOME sprite in it.
To make a long story slightly shorter than it could be, we tried to open the machine, which was impossible even with the key (probably do to an I-D-10-T error), and finally purchased two more attempts. They ended in nothing, yet again, and two cans at once, one empty like the first can, and one…DUN DUH DUH!!!! Actually sealed, not crushed in the slightest, containing 12 full ounces of carbonation!!! Which I enjoyed thoroughly.
What did I learn from this drawn-out experience and even further-stretched account of said experience?
I learned the value of a quarter. Especially since that same day I tried to pick one up off a sidewalk only to find it super-glued to the concrete and its original owner laughing from the adjacent porch, probably the 32nd time he’d enjoyed his own cleverness that day
I also learned that you can find joy in bad situations, even if they cost you 400% the original cost of attaining your goal.
But most importantly I learned not to drink Sprite, and when you’re feeling bold or courageous…
Don’t play the slots.
