I read a cool facebook status the other day- “I once was blind, now I just look a way”
This next blog is going to tackle a few issues I have found in my own heart as well as in the lives of many of those around me (I assume). First I will tackle the “hiding” portion of our lives. We’ll start with being vulnerable.
My name is Ryan Michael Hildebrand, I have been a Christian since I could blow out a candle. I have walked with the Lord for a while, I talk a big game in almost every area of my life with very little to back it up with. I am a member of the (Invite only, mind you) Design Team here at the Wesley Foundation. I was until two days ago the president of the very prestigious late night praise ministry called “Midnight Worship”. I have read the bible all the way through (I think) maybe more than once (I doubt it). I have seen people get healed, had life-altering prophetic dreams, and I’ve been in at least 3 million small groups since I could pronounce “Accountability”. I grew up in a near perfect home with parents who are incredibly in love with the Lord. So much in love that they listened to his call to move to abu dhabi. I moved with them, that makes me a missionary too. Sorta.
Yah you guessed it. That wasn’t the hard part. This is the Ryan that a good majority of friends (believers and non-believers alike) know. Let’s start over.
My Name is Ryan Michael Hildebrand- I played church until 9th grade when I decided that God really did want everything from me. Then I decided to give the easy stuff. Like my friends ( I didn’t have any non-christian friends. So that wasn’t hard) and my free time (which meant I hung out at church a lot with my friends and got to see a plethora of beautiful central American countries. All under the umbrella of “ministry”) I got to keep my addiction to pornography, my pride, my sarcasm and my ability to make fun of people for a self-esteem boost. Long story short, I move to Abu Dhabi- found out that my faith was made of sand because I had never tested it. Picked up habits like smoking, cursing, and breaking women’s hearts, and questioning the reality of God at the very core of my being. Got that squared away when I came to Texas Tech. and I just woke up an almost-perfect example of Jesus in a purple baseball cap.
Not.
The hilarious thing about Christians is that we throw the word “Testimony” around and talk about our deep hurt and poor decisions because we want people to know that these days we are perfectly redeemed in Jesus and that sinning is as foreign to us as mandarin Chinese.
That’s hiding.
Third time is the charm right? Here we go.
My name is Ryan Michael Hildebrand, two nights ago I got so completely hammered out of my mind off of the silver bullet that I literally threw up my teeth in the toilet ( I have a retainer, of sorts) and was too inebriated to realize such, so I flushed them down. I AM a nicotine addict and i think about smoking, dipping, chewing etc atleast 3 times a day. The only reason I haven’t indulged in any today is because it hasn’t been readily available. I have still clung on to porn like an old friend, Ill call her up once every 3 months or so, maybe every week if I am feeling particularly lonely. And I’ll lock God into my bedroom with me, thinking I kept him out. Yelling through the door “I don’t believe that your son was murdered for my addictions. Ill hold on to them thank you. Jesus can stay on that cross for what I am concerned”.
Weslians like hiding- We like hiding under the pretext that we were once sinners and now are saints. We like hiding between prayer alters. We like hiding in the crowds of “Good people” hoping God, and “the lost” will see how good and perfect our lives are that they will come to us for advice. We like hiding underneath the slews and slews of Christian badges. The “I’ve done this” or “I am in charge of this” or “I started this”. Hoping that God can’t see how rotten we feel covered in how great we look.
Until you realize that the only way to find peace is under the shadow of the cloud of the almighty and HIS guidance. You will be hiding. The good news is God uses us not in spite of our brokenness but because of it. Now that's glory.
On next weeks episode (Goku is STILL charging up his hair)
we'll talk about 2 other, almost unrelated topics.
